Her prognosis is really bad. She needs to be home with her family. Its terminal, there is nothing to be done. You know the outcome of this, you already knew it.
Yes I already knew it, but I was never prepared, no one is ever prepared.
The events of that day never stop haunting my thoughts. I remember waking up early that morning to see several texts from my little brother, asking whats wrong with mom. I checked the time and they were from almost two hours earlier. I called him and asked him what happened to her, and he just said that she is critical again. I laid down in bed, then just before I got up I checked my phone. The status of my cousin’s Blackberry Messenger was: الله يرحمج حنان
My mother died, my brothers opted to tell my aunts and cousins first and have them come over the house and break the news to us.
I felt numb, I felt like my blood was freezing inside my body, but I calmly left my room to wash, and as I was changing I could hear my aunts and cousins, and worse, I could hear the weeping. Within seconds they were at my door, my aunt tried to talk and I just told her that “I know”.
I locked the door because I can’t let them see me cry, no one ever sees me cry. I grabbed my phone and texted the closest people to me telling them the news. Somehow that act of writing the words “My mother passed away, please keep her in your prayers” are what made it all real, and what made me break down crying. They were begging me to open the door, worried I would do something to myself, so I opened it and just sat on my bed. One of my cousins held me and we were weeping together. By then everything was just sinking in, and hiding tears and sadness was futile.
Heading to the mosque, my brain flooded by every memory I had of her, from the little lullabies she sang us before we slept, her sweet laughter as it rained while we watched military bands in the local park, to her smiling through the pain when she saw snow for the first time in her life.
I wondered if I could handle seeing her for that one last time, and if I would bear kissing he for the last time in my life. I knew that if I didn’t do that, I would regret it for the rest of my life and so I went.
The first person I saw was my oldest brother, before seeing him I had completely calmed down. He just said “When you see her, ask for forgiveness and pray for her.” Instead of saying OK I just started sobbing.. I couldn’t help myself. He held me in his arms and I could hear my cousin saying “ethkree Allah, ethkree Allah…”
She looked so peaceful, and looked as beautiful as I ever remembered her. I remember brushing her hair very carefully, worried I would hurt her if I pulled at it too hard, and I remember braiding it carefully, like she would still complain about how bad I was at braiding her hair. And I wished I could hear her complain, I wished she was still breathing.
Watching her body being taken away was the most painful of all. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I could do nothing about it. My cousin’s blood curdling scream, my aunts crying, the men telling them to calm down while they themselves barely held it together. My God I wish I could just forget.
Still grief didn’t really make an appearance till night came and I had to sleep. Being alone just made everything feel even more real. It was the first day in my life that I was going to spend without my mother. She will no longer be here with me.
I will never watch her water her roses and plants again. I will never see her get excited over rain, falling leaves and snow again. I will never be asked by her to take photographs of anything and everything. I will never brush her hair again or massage her feet again.
With grief came regret, there was so much I could have done to make her happier and I did not do. All she wanted was for me to get married and have children and I could not give her that. I will never forgive myself for that.
My heart is still heavy with grief, regrets, and anger. Anger at someone who I cherished so much and chose to abandon me in the midst of a very difficult time. As much as I wish I could be rational about this I just can’t. I will never forgive them that.
They say time heals everything, time makes us forget, but my eyes still well up with tears whenever I see any little thing that reminds me of her.
Five months later, and it still seems unreal, it still feels like an ongoing nightmare. She is gone.
My mother was diagnosed with tongue cancer early in 2011, she had it surgically removed and had a course of radiation therapy and was cancer free. in 2012 she was diagnosed with lung cancer in both of her lungs.The larger tumor was removed surgically and she was scheduled for a second surgery and radiation therapy six weeks later. The removed tumor had a recurrence which had the doctors decided on cancelling the surgery and going straight to radiation therapy. Sadly the tumor was unaffected by the therapy. By then she was too ill for chemotherapy. The lung tumors got bigger and affected her nerves which made her go through horrible pain which even heavy doses of morphine couldn’t control. The cancer spread to her liver, skin and pancreas. She passed away last March.